The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

While I remain extremely positive about the outlook of the treatment and eventual curing of this cancer that I face, emotions are definitely not entirely positive.  A wise friend suggested to me that if I am going to blog about my experience, that I need to share the emotional struggles that I face, along with my optimistic outlook overall. 

My mind has been fixated on the cancer diagnosis since the day I received the phone call from the doctor 10 days ago.  I find it difficult to think about much else. During those 10 days, the demons of anger, depression, guilt and denial have all been a part of my emotional process.  I know that each of these emotions are normal, but it doesn’t make them easier to deal with.

For days, I think that I was mostly numb, despite the occasional outburst of tears.  I was able to share my news with friends and family with relative ease. However, on one particular call to an old friend and mentor, I eventually broke down and that entire day opened the floodgates of tears, which were inevitable. I feared the cancer, the treatment, the prognosis and the unknown. I think the unknown is the hardest part for me.  Once I know what I am dealing with, then I can wrap my head around the treatment and next steps and be an active role in moving forward.

The strongest lesson I have taken away from this experience so far is that you need to be your own advocate in areas of personal health. I have known for nearly a year that something hasn’t been right with my body. The symptoms I have experienced are not normal. I was active in seeing doctors and trying to find a diagnosis. Doctors have run tests, and tried various medication treatments, but it has taken until now to receive the diagnosis. I can’t help but feel anger and guilt that I didn’t push harder or complain louder.  I wonder if that would have caught this cancer earlier. I don’t wallow in these feelings, but they are there and the bottom line is that doctors have amazing knowledge, but only I know my body and what I feel. I KNEW there was a problem and I should have been a stronger advocate earlier on in this process. I hope that other people will take control of their bodies and feelings and be pushy, loud and assertive when dealing with concerns related to their health.

I also feel a sense of guilt and personal responsibility that is hard to explain.  Cancer is an ugly disease that impacts people from all walks of life. However, this particular cancer is generally found in post-menopausal women. Why me? Why so young?  Did my years of obesity prior to my Weight Loss Surgery increase my chances of this disease?  This is possible, but unclear.  If I had taken better care of myself at a younger age, would I still be facing this?  The reality is that while weight can be a factor, there are also other factors that are likely contributors.  I made conscious healthy decisions for myself when I had gastric bypass in 2004, and subsequently lost over 200 pounds. I cannot look over the past as a “what-if” I had done things differently. I can only focus on things that are in my control now.  This does mean that I need to make active changes to better the quality of my life and choose healthier options for myself. I need to remind myself that health is an ongoing lifestyle choice, and one that needs to remain at the top of my priority list, no matter what other important things arise. I am unable to take care of others, if I don’t first take care of myself.

I struggle to find the words to explain the emotions I have felt. At times, I find myself feeling melancholy and depressed.  I sometimes feign a smile or try to focus on the positive, but I would be lying if I didn’t recognize the depression and sadness that I am feeling. Even with a relatively positive appointment from the oncologist, I still can’t find myself to be excited about that, which was really bothering me. I think the reason is that even the BEST case scenario, while ideal, is still cancer. I am praying for the earliest and most treatable version of this cancer, and I believe that will happen. However, even if those prayers are answered, it still means I have cancer, which is a difficult pill to swallow, no matter how positive the prognosis.

This past weekend, I found myself surrounded by friends on several occasions and having a great time. I had amazing tickets to see my beloved Redskins, and spent quality time with some dear friends. However, at several points during those fun experiences, I found myself noticing people around me, having fun and seeming to be carefree.  I longed to feel carefree and joyous. I still felt this pit in my stomach, even during fun times.  This cancer lurks over me in all that I do. When that occurs, I catch myself and try to reclaim the positive aspects when possible, but allow myself to feel the sadness and frustration as well, as that is all a part of the process.

Please don’t take me wrong, I still remain positive overall, but to paint a true picture of my emotions, I would be remiss to not include some details on the struggles I am feeling and the down days and times that come with receiving this news and navigating the unknown future.

Much love to all of my friends and family, and their continued support and prayers. Every note, card and message touches my heart deeply and means more to me than I can express.