Next stop...Radiation!

Hello dear friends. I hope that you all had a wonderful Christmas and New Year’s full of many blessings. I wanted to write and provide an update.  I am really touched that several people mentioned my update and that they checked here from time to time.  I appreciate the thoughts and concerns and am sorry it has taken me so long to provide an update. I have tried to sit and write this message for a couple of weeks, but found reasons not to at every turn.  In fact, I've had it written for a couple of days, and just didn't post it.  Some reasons were setbacks, such as some physical pain and emotional frustration, and others were good things, like spending time with family.

Physically, I am doing much better.  Close to Christmas, I had some real pain and discomfort due to fluid build-up above my incision.  I was convinced the pain was abnormal, but the doctor knew better.  With some medicine, the fluid has been slowly reabsorbed into my body. However, for a couple of weeks there, I was pretty uncomfortable.  For now, the incision has healed and my muscles are healing.  I started back to work part days last week and full time this week. Work has allowed me to ease back in and get used to my schedule, which is great, because one day last week I couldn’t make it in.  Yesterday was the first day I really feel pretty good.  I am still a bit sore, but it is manageable with Tylenol and a heating pad for the most part.

At my last oncologist appointment, on December 26, the doctor informed David and I that I will need to undergo radiation treatments. We were both really surprised by this news and thought that I was in the clear for treatments.  However, the doctor said that the cancer governing board reviewed my case and recommended that I have radiation because of the size of the tumor, as well as the fact that there were some residual cancer cells after removing the uterus.  At the time, I was so miserable from the physical discomfort (the fluid mentioned above), and shocked by the news, that I didn’t ask any good questions of the oncologist and don’t know the answer to anything anyone asks.  I don’t yet know how many rounds of radiation or how long it will take.  I do know that they plan to use internal radiation, which will allow doctors to implant the necessary radiation. It is called brachytherapy.  It is sometimes called pellet radiation.  It should allow for easier treatment and definitely fewer trips to get the treatments.

Most days, I recognize that this radiation is just one more necessary step to getting healthy.  I know that it is something that I have to do to get rid of the cancer and be sure that it doesn’t come back.  However, for some reason, when the doctor told me, it was just an upsetting piece of information, and it has taken some adjustment. The thought of more treatments is frustrating, when I was expecting to get the all clear from the doctor.  The emotional toll this has taken is hard to describe.  There are days when I really felt helpless, depressed and it was hard to reach out and take help from people around me.  In fact, there was an entire week that I am not sure if I stopped crying for more than a couple of hours at a time!  I am starting to feel a bit better, but I am sure there will be more of those days in the future.

I think in some ways, waiting until I feel a bit better to write the blog takes away from some of the process or intention of a blog. I think that some of the experience gets lost by not updating it as frequently.  I will try to be better.

For now, my next oncologist appointment is next week, January 23. At that time, I will learn more about the radiation process and what to expect.  Until then, I am just getting back into the swing of things at work and am trying to appreciate friends and family that are so wonderful.

Surgery day is FINALLY here…

The night before surgery, I had my bag packed, details all taken care of, nerves somewhat in check and had done all of the preparations required for the surgery.  I was very lucky to have a houseful of visitors the night before surgery.  This gave me wonderful time to socialize with friends, and it had the unintended consequence of keeping me from stressing too much about the next day.

Once the house settled down, Melissa, David and I chatted for a while and then decided to watch TV.  I couldn’t believe it, but I actually fell asleep on the couch.  For those of you that know me, I NEVER fall asleep on the couch.  I have terrible insomnia and can’t even sleep normally at night.  Even when I made it up to bed, I slept until about 4am, which is unheard of for me, and 10 minutes before my alarm was set to go off.

I got up, showered and shaved (who knew how long it would be before I could do that again), took my required meds and got the last few things together.  I cuddled and picked up Dixie, knowing I wouldn’t be able to pick her up for 6 weeks after the surgery!  We left the house at 6am sharp and got to VCU right on time.  My surgery wasn’t scheduled until 10am, but they wanted us there at 6!  (In case the surgery before mine didn’t show up).  This meant there was a lot of waiting.  They finally called me back to my room about 8, and started to get me hooked up.  I was dehydrated, so it took 5 tries to finally get an IV started.  All else went well, and we just continued to wait.

My Dad and DeAnn arrived about 9am, and it was nice to be surrounded by so many supportive people. The waiting was the hard part.  At this point in the process, I was ready to get the show on the road. The doctor then came to inform me there was a delay in the previous surgery and it would be at least another hour before they could take me. 

During this time, the anesthesiologist came into the room and explained the process, including an epidural and general anesthesia to control the pain.  At about 10:30, I said goodbye to my family and the doctors were going to prep me with the epidural and get ready for surgery.  It took several tries and they could not get the epidural right.  In the midst of the epidural issue, one of the doctors, trying to help, mentioned to me that if I decide to have children in the future, I might want to let the doctors know that it is difficult to get an epidural in me.  I just kind of looked at her. I thought..ummm, I’m here for a hysterectomy…I won’t be here to have a child in the future!  I’m sure she wasn’t thinking and she meant no harm at all, but it did catch me off guard a bit.  After several tries, they called the attending physician who seemed to get it. However, he administered the medication and it didn’t seem to be working properly.  About this time, they started to give me the sleepy meds for the OR.  I last looked at the clock at 12:00pm on the nose. 

When I woke up, all I could feel was EXCRUCIATING pain, like none other. I was crying, screaming and miserable.  Someone explained to me that the epidural did not work, and they were working to try and control my pain.  Needless to say, it was not under control and I was miserable.  I couldn’t stop whimpering and crying and praying for relief.  I wasn’t able to see my family until I got up to my room.

The only good news in this process is I was able to have my own room, which was a Godsend!  I hate having to share a hospital room, for so many reasons.  It’s hard to be considerate of someone else, and what if they don’t care about being considerate about you.  So, through my pain, I was thankful for that!

My family was really concerned about my pain level and kept trying to advocate for me.  The medical staff was concerned about giving too much pain medication, due to the fact that I just woke up from surgery and they wanted to be able to keep my vitals strong.  Over the course of the night, the pain did get better, but it was a MISERABLE night to say the least.

One great piece of news that I do remember, is that the doctors told us that the cancer was contained to the uterus and uterine wall.  They only had to remove the uterus and cervix, and were able to leave the ovaries and fallopian tubes.  We have to wait 2 weeks for pathology results, but their initial prognosis is that I will likely not need radiation or chemo, which is AWESOME news.

The stay in the hospital was uncomfortable, but I had good nurses and staff.  The pain was miserable, but that was to be expected. I felt very confident in my surgical staff and they checked on my regularly, even over the weekend. I was SO blessed to have so many family and friends come and visit, bring gifts and send gifts.  I felt so much love from all over the place and it no doubt helped me heal faster!  The flowers, balloons, gift baskets, bears, and other goodies, filled my heart and my hospital room. They needed an extra cart to get it all to the car when I was discharged!  Thank you to all who called came to see me and some of you drove great distances. I am very touched and blessed.  I progressed well at the hospital and was able to be discharged a day early, and went home Monday evening, instead of Tuesday.  There are certain “milestones” that you have to pass to show your body is ready to function normally at home.  As I hit those, the doctors gave me the option of going home Monday or Tuesday. They couldn’t get me out of the door fast enough.  I was ready to go home!

I was sent home with a slew of medications, pain pills, ibuprofen, iron, stool softener, blood thinner injections, and other vitamins, all of which I am taking as scheduled!  I am using my breathing treatments as needed to prevent pneumonia, and am moving around as ordered to keep blood flow moving to my extremities.

Being home is wonderful.  There is something healing about being in your own house, with your family, and my wonderful doggie.  She was so sweet and remained fairly calm. It was almost as if she knew she needed to be careful with me.  She snuggled with me and kept me feeling loved.  David took great care of me, and continues to do so.  Friends and family continue to call and text regularly. Wonderful friends have brought us food so we don’t have to cook. My work sent a lovely basket with gift cards, for nights we don’t have to cook.  My cup runneth over, and I don’t know what I did to deserve so much love and so many blessings, but I appreciate them all.

For now, the physical healing gets a little better each day.  I am working some from home, as I am able.  I am still in pain and working around it as I am able.  I am trying to take it easy, but that is difficult for me sometimes J.  The emotional side of the surgery is starting to sink in and is harder than I anticipated it to be.  

I have scheduled an appointment with the oncologist psychiatrist to speak with her about my process, which I think will only help in my recovery.  It has been two weeks since my surgery.  I am moving around pretty well, can do most things on my own…though I am NOT lifting anything over 5lbs…doctor’s orders for 6 weeks. 

I am sure I missed some details about the surgery, but you get the general idea, it went smoothly.  There are always a few hiccups, but overall, all went well, and we are on the recovery side of the process.  We are hopeful that there will be no radiation or chemotherapy necessary.  I will keep you posted!  Much love to you all!

Days leading up to the surgery

I think it was a blessing that there was such a short turn-around time between the MRI results and the scheduled surgery. I only had a week or so to get things in order and prepare for major surgery. In fact, there was so much going on, that it is hard to look back and remember all that I did during that week.  Things were so busy, and emotional, that I didn’t know what to say in a blog update. (I am writing this update after the surgery, so even some of my memories may be inaccurate).

It is a real challenge to try and plan to put much of your life on hold for 4-6 weeks.  Personally, we tried to manage the bills, house chores, and general responsibilities that would arise.  David was great at taking care of most of the house-related items.

All of my amazing work colleagues made the process as easy as possible.  They were so supportive and understanding.  However, it is really hard to prepare others for any work related question or situation that might arise.  Only one other time in my work life (my honeymoon), was I unreachable via email.  This was a challenging situation for me.  However, my boss and colleagues humored my lengthy to-do lists and updates so that they would be prepared as questions arose. 

If I am being truthful, I think I focused on those things, because they are things that were within my control. It was so much easier to worry about a work email issue, than the upcoming surgery or potential results that might come from that.

During the week of my surgery, I was notified that my iron levels were too low to go into surgery. As a result, I went in for another iron infusion.  The infusion process is relatively simple, and I am quite familiar with them at this point.  I have been getting them for nearly a year at this point.  The iron infusions are given in a facility that also gives chemotherapy treatments. I have been aware of this in the past, and always felt for the patients that were there for chemo.  However, at this point, it hit me that I was there for an infusion, but I am also a cancer patient.  This is a reality that is still difficult to sink in at times.  As always, the infusion process was simple.  The whole thing takes about two hours, after some monitoring, and I was home.

As for the emotional piece to this situation, I don’t even know how to put it all into words. I don’t think to call it an emotional roller coaster does it justice. I could literally go from feeling fine, to being in tears in a matter of seconds, and for no particular reason.  I take great comfort that I have fully researched all options and know that this is the best route for my personal health for the long term.  It is still a gut wrenching decision that no woman expects to have to make at 33 years old.  I thought I still had time to have children, start a family and now those decisions (in the traditional sense) have been taken out of my control.  I do know that God has a plan in this situation, and there are other ways to have families, but there is still a grieving process to this news and the finality that I will physically not be able to carry a child.  Again, it isn’t the end of the world, plenty of wonderful children need homes, but I wouldn’t do this journey justice if I didn’t mention the emotional hardship that comes along with this.

I am also so thankful for insurance.  The co-pays, deductibles and patient portions of procedures are expensive, but I can’t even imagine what it must be like for people who do not have insurance.  It seems that a new bill arrives almost daily for a doctor, procedure, or we have to get a new prescription. God has always provided in the past and I am sure he will in the future, but being sick is a real financial strain, as costs come from all kinds of unexpected places.  It is a stressor, wondering how things are going to all come together, especially around the holidays, but I know that they will.  This is a minor concern in the big scheme of getting healthy and getting through this cancer!

I was lucky to have numerous friends checking in on me throughout the week to see how I was doing and to offer any support that they could.  Each one of those calls, emails, cards and texts were really special to me. I just am not sure what to ask for in the way of assistance. I don’t know what I need, and how to ask for help.  The concern, caring and offers mean so much though.

The day before the surgery, I was only allowed to consume clear liquids and had to do surgery prep in general. This wasn’t pleasant, but it wasn’t as bad as I thought.  Again, I had David to keep me company and several friends that stopped by the evening before surgery to spend time with me.  This helped keep my mind off the surgery, as much as possible at least.

We found out we had to arrive at the hospital at 6:30am.  David, my Dad, my friend Melissa and DeAnn were all there with me at the hospital.  I will end this entry there, and will make the next entry tomorrow about the hospital, surgery, recovery and news that we have about potential results. 

MRI Results and Surgery Scheduled

First of all, I should say that I had an amazing Thanksgiving yesterday, with our family.  It was the first Thanksgiving in the new house, and it was wonderful to share that with everyone.  Even in the midst of so many challenges, it was great to be able to pause and be thankful for the wonderful people and things in our lives.  With more food than we knew what to do with, and a fantastic Redskins win, the day was nearly perfect!  However, running through the back of my mind, was the news we got from the oncologist on Wednesday morning.

 On Wednesday, David and I met with the oncologist and his team to receive the MRI results and determine a treatment plan for the cancer.  The doctor confirmed that the cancer has spread some, and has invaded my uterine wall.  It is still unclear whether it has spread into the surrounding organs.  This means that the treatment options are fairly straightforward and a hysterectomy is necessary.  The doctors won’t know until the day of the surgery whether it will be a partial or a complete hysterectomy. At a minimum, they will definitely need to remove the uterus and cervix. During the surgery, they will do some biopsies and checking of other organs to determine the spread of the cancer.  If there is any cancer in other areas, there remains the possibility that the doctors will also remove the ovaries, fallopian tubes and lymph nodes. 

 Given that the cancer has spread, the recommendation is to move rather quickly with the surgery, in order to ensure it does not continue to spread.  The surgery date will be a week from now, Friday, November 30.  They said I can expect to remain in the hospital 3-4 nights, and the recovery may be slow afterwards.  There are so many details to get in order, both personally and professionally before the surgery.  However, I want to move as quickly as possible to have the best chance at curing the cancer.

Once the surgery is complete, the doctor will be able to give us a preliminary report on the staging, spread and treatment of the cancer. However, all organs and samples will be sent to the lab.  The complete pathology report will take 10-12 days to be finalized.  Once the final pathology report comes back, we will know whether or not additional medication or treatments, such as radiation, are necessary.  Those recommendations depend upon the spread and aggressiveness of the cancer.

For 6 weeks after the surgery, I will be unable to lift anything larger than about 5 lbs.  I suspect this will be harder than I imagine, but David has been a saint so far, and will definitely continue to be an amazing support.  I’m sure he will take care of everything that I need! I am also very blessed and have had several friends offer to provide assistance in any way possible.

For now, this is what I know:

November 30: Surgery date: 9am at VCU. Surgery will take between 1.5-4.5 hours, depending on what they determine during surgery, and how many organs need to be removed

October 3 or 4: Hope to be released from the hospital

The recovery time is very uncertain.  The doctor said that it will take about 6 weeks to fully recover. I will be very limited in the physical activities that I can do during this time.  The physical recovery will be fairly significant, as the doctor will have to do the surgery through an open vertical incision in my abdomen, which will need time to heal.

It is unclear how long I will need to be out of work.  I am EXTREMELY fortunate to work in an environment where my supervisors and co-workers are so incredible. To say they are supportive is an understatement.  They have offered to step in and assist with my responsibilities, offered to share sick leave with me, and generally been amazing.  I feel very lucky in this sense.

The emotional side of this diagnosis has been the most difficult, and the reason it has taken me a few days to write the update.  I was devastated at the confirmation that I will never be able to carry a child of my own. I always felt that I was meant to have children. When I pictured my future, it always included a child of my own. While I know that God has a plan, and there are more ways to be a parent than biologically giving birth, it is still so painful.  I feel sad, angry, depressed and frustrated at the diagnosis.  I feel like something was taken away from me when I got the news in the doctor’s office. There is no question, we have to treat the cancer first, and worry about the rest later. Even with this diagnosis, I am still lucky that I have a treatable form of cancer.

Over time, as I physically and emotionally heal, I’m sure David and I can explore adoption and other avenues for becoming parents.  The financial costs for those processes are astronomical, and may make them a stretch for us.  Only time will tell.  I keep reminding myself to try and focus on one thing at a time.  Let’s get healthy, that is step 1, and right now, is the only part of this that we can worry about.

Thank you so much for all of your support.  Even with this disappointing news, I still have so much to be thankful for, and today I am going to choose to focus on those.  I have wonderful friends, family, co-workers, and a team of doctors in which I have complete confidence.

Thank you again and I wish you all a wonderful holiday!

 

Erika

Nerves and Waiting...

They say that patience is a virtue.  It is clearly a virtue that I am still working to master. Tomorrow is my doctor's appointment to get the MRI results and determine a treatment plan with the oncologist. I am very excited to finally know the MRI results and know what I am up against. However, I would be lying if I said I wasn't terrified of what those results might show. I am hoping and praying for the best news, but every now and then the "what-if" sneaks in and I wonder what will happen if the cancer has spread or is more problematic than we are hoping.  In my head, I know that there is no benefit to worrying about something that I have no control over at this point, but I can't seem to help it.

I find that my mind is consumed with the diagnosis and what the prognosis will show tomorrow.  Even in a crowded room of friends, my mind wanders to think about it.  I am really glad to know that I will have a plan of action prior to Thanksgiving.  I won't be left in limbo during the holidays. Whether the news is good or bad, I will be surrounded by family as I process the news.

Medically, there isn't much news to report. I continue to have symptoms of bleeding and pain, but it isn't as bad as last week. I did call VCU this week to check in and make sure that they have all the documents and reports that they need in order to finish the treatment recommendation.  The VCU tumor board meets tomorrow morning, and I'll get the results right after that meeting.

Emotionally, this week has been a roller coaster, to say the least.  In quiet moments, I find myself emotional and crying.  It sometimes doesn't seem real. It feels like there had to have been a mistake with the diagnosis. However, three oncologists don't have wrong results. Now, I just try to move forward and focus on ways to deal with this and make the best decisions for my health and our family.

I will post an update on the MRI results once I have them and are able to share them with everyone. I appreciate any positive vibes for the appointment tomorrow. I pray all of my family and friends have a wonderful Thanksgiving with people important to them!

LOTS of updates!

Well, friends, I have been a bit remiss in updating the blog.  Life got crazy, I wasn't feeling well, and we have been inundated with doctor's appointments.  With that being said, we have made some progress and are moving forward.

First of all the second oncologist David and I met with was quickly ruled out. The doctor kept us waiting nearly 45 minutes before seeing us, which started the appointment at a disadvantage.  He also was not as thorough or personable as the doctors at VCU that we really liked.  Finally, he didn't recommend a treatment plan that David and I felt was aggressive enough.  As we were leaving his office, the nurse was trying to schedule an MRI, and David and I gave her the "we are going to talk about it and call you back...."  which really means "please let me get out of here!"

That same afternoon we met with my hematologist to get some blood work done, to check iron levels in advance of whatever surgery is necessary. The hematologist is also an oncologist (though not a gynecologist oncologist and therefore won't treat this cancer). He was able to help us review the two opinions we have received.  He likes to treat cancer very aggressively and recommended removal of the uterus at this point, after completion of an MRI. However, he did recognize that uterine cancer is not his speciality, and if we are comfortable with the recommendation of the VCU doctor, then to proceed with that.  His caution was to not take risks with my health and to err on the side of caution if there is ever any doubt about treatment options.  The doctor ran my blood for the cancer gene, and told me that I do not have the cancer gene, which is great news. This means that I am not genetically predisposed for other types of cancer. 

At that point it was decided-- we are going to use VCU Massey Cancer Center for our treatment of the cancer.  The only downside to VCU is the sometimes lengthy wait time for scheduling procedures.  For example, the earliest MRI appointment that VCU had available was November 28, which seemed like too far away for me.  My hematologist offered to have his staff perform the MRI and transfer the results and slides to VCU provided they would accept them.  After MANY phone calls and negotiations, I was able to schedule the MRI for November 14, and I will meet with the oncologist on November 21 to get the results. This will allow time for the tumor board at VCU to meet and review the MRI results and determine an appropriate course of treatment.

Over this past weekend, I became ill and was having symptoms that were abnormal. Significant pain and bleeding caused me to page the on call doctor for advice on Sunday afternoon.  She was able to give me some remedies and recommended that I go to the ER if I got dizzy, but to follow up with my doctor on Monday. My doctor called me Monday morning and I went in to meet with him.  After doing an exam and blood work, he adjusted my medication and prescribed something for the pain that I was experiencing.  His main goal is to control the symptoms until we get the results of the MRI, and determine how we are going to treat the cancer.  The staff was really helpful and kind. Even though I left there feeling sick and deflated, I felt as though the doctors were taking very good care of me, and were taking my symptoms seriously, which was a huge relief and made me feel good.

During this process, I received a call from the hematologist, who told me that my iron stores level came back as low again.  As a result, I will need to undergo 2 iron infusions prior to the surgery to treat the cancer.  The infusions are not painful or difficult, but is just one more thing to deal with, and  one more appointment to navigate. (Also, they are most definitely NOT cheap, even with insurance!)

Today is Wednesday, and I am feeling much better than I was on Sunday. I am still having symptoms and pain, but am controlling it better and not feeling as drained as I did over the weekend. 

I also had my MRI this morning, which turned out to be quick and painless. The staff did a great job.  Per my agreement for this early MRI, I waited for a CD copy of the MRI images and hand delivered the CD to VCU.  Now, I just (not so) patiently wait for next Wednesday and the results that I will receive from the oncologist.  At that appointment, he will be able to tell us the stage of the cancer, how far it has spread and the recommended treatment plan of the VCU tumor board.

I feel as though I am in capable hands.  It is still terrifying at times, and the emotions come and go, but I am 100% confident in our decision to go with VCU and look forward to getting additional information so that we can begin to treat this cancer.

So, I'm sure this blog is less interesting, and more information updating for those of you that are interested in the progress and treatment options.  We should know more in about a week.

Now the hard part...trying to occupy my mind for an entire week.  There is absolutely nothing that I can do at this point. The tests are done, the results are being processed.  It is out of my control, so I need to focus on other things in life in order to keep my sanity. 

I definitely think I underestimated the physical and emotional toll that this diagnosis would take on me so early in the process. I am physically and mentally exhausted.  So many people have shown tremendous kindness during this process, from sending flowers, to magazine subscriptions, meals, cards and many other things.  I am thankful for them all.  One gift that stays in my pocket is a stone that just reads "Hope." I received this from two special friends and every time I feel it in my pocket, it reminds me to stay hopeful and try to stay positive, whenever possible.

I will update more as time allows. Thank you friends for caring enough to follow along and keep in touch.  I have been touched by friends I haven't really spoken to in years, but have contacted me to offer a kind word or note.  Each one is so appreciated.  Thank you all.  I hope I have great news to report after next week's appointment!

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

While I remain extremely positive about the outlook of the treatment and eventual curing of this cancer that I face, emotions are definitely not entirely positive.  A wise friend suggested to me that if I am going to blog about my experience, that I need to share the emotional struggles that I face, along with my optimistic outlook overall. 

My mind has been fixated on the cancer diagnosis since the day I received the phone call from the doctor 10 days ago.  I find it difficult to think about much else. During those 10 days, the demons of anger, depression, guilt and denial have all been a part of my emotional process.  I know that each of these emotions are normal, but it doesn’t make them easier to deal with.

For days, I think that I was mostly numb, despite the occasional outburst of tears.  I was able to share my news with friends and family with relative ease. However, on one particular call to an old friend and mentor, I eventually broke down and that entire day opened the floodgates of tears, which were inevitable. I feared the cancer, the treatment, the prognosis and the unknown. I think the unknown is the hardest part for me.  Once I know what I am dealing with, then I can wrap my head around the treatment and next steps and be an active role in moving forward.

The strongest lesson I have taken away from this experience so far is that you need to be your own advocate in areas of personal health. I have known for nearly a year that something hasn’t been right with my body. The symptoms I have experienced are not normal. I was active in seeing doctors and trying to find a diagnosis. Doctors have run tests, and tried various medication treatments, but it has taken until now to receive the diagnosis. I can’t help but feel anger and guilt that I didn’t push harder or complain louder.  I wonder if that would have caught this cancer earlier. I don’t wallow in these feelings, but they are there and the bottom line is that doctors have amazing knowledge, but only I know my body and what I feel. I KNEW there was a problem and I should have been a stronger advocate earlier on in this process. I hope that other people will take control of their bodies and feelings and be pushy, loud and assertive when dealing with concerns related to their health.

I also feel a sense of guilt and personal responsibility that is hard to explain.  Cancer is an ugly disease that impacts people from all walks of life. However, this particular cancer is generally found in post-menopausal women. Why me? Why so young?  Did my years of obesity prior to my Weight Loss Surgery increase my chances of this disease?  This is possible, but unclear.  If I had taken better care of myself at a younger age, would I still be facing this?  The reality is that while weight can be a factor, there are also other factors that are likely contributors.  I made conscious healthy decisions for myself when I had gastric bypass in 2004, and subsequently lost over 200 pounds. I cannot look over the past as a “what-if” I had done things differently. I can only focus on things that are in my control now.  This does mean that I need to make active changes to better the quality of my life and choose healthier options for myself. I need to remind myself that health is an ongoing lifestyle choice, and one that needs to remain at the top of my priority list, no matter what other important things arise. I am unable to take care of others, if I don’t first take care of myself.

I struggle to find the words to explain the emotions I have felt. At times, I find myself feeling melancholy and depressed.  I sometimes feign a smile or try to focus on the positive, but I would be lying if I didn’t recognize the depression and sadness that I am feeling. Even with a relatively positive appointment from the oncologist, I still can’t find myself to be excited about that, which was really bothering me. I think the reason is that even the BEST case scenario, while ideal, is still cancer. I am praying for the earliest and most treatable version of this cancer, and I believe that will happen. However, even if those prayers are answered, it still means I have cancer, which is a difficult pill to swallow, no matter how positive the prognosis.

This past weekend, I found myself surrounded by friends on several occasions and having a great time. I had amazing tickets to see my beloved Redskins, and spent quality time with some dear friends. However, at several points during those fun experiences, I found myself noticing people around me, having fun and seeming to be carefree.  I longed to feel carefree and joyous. I still felt this pit in my stomach, even during fun times.  This cancer lurks over me in all that I do. When that occurs, I catch myself and try to reclaim the positive aspects when possible, but allow myself to feel the sadness and frustration as well, as that is all a part of the process.

Please don’t take me wrong, I still remain positive overall, but to paint a true picture of my emotions, I would be remiss to not include some details on the struggles I am feeling and the down days and times that come with receiving this news and navigating the unknown future.

Much love to all of my friends and family, and their continued support and prayers. Every note, card and message touches my heart deeply and means more to me than I can express.